It was a quiet evening when I arrived in Honduras. I rented a house on the beach and could not wait for the next day so I could become the master of my empire. Anyway that was my last week living the life I thought was the best way to live it, but I was not prepared to find the real meaning of that life.
The very first time I felt that smell. It was a mix between sadness and joy. I could not tell it exactly.
The house was empty, but full of memories. As the landlord told me, many people started and finished their lives there, but I was not so curious to ask about all the history of that place, I just wanted to be far away from everything: no neighbours, no traffic-lights, no shops nothing that could change my mind about what I had decided to do.
Two bags and a friendly owl were joining me every night since the day I arrived at the house. They were my only companions.
I did not sleep the first night.
I sat on an old chair and just looked to the reflex of the stars on the ocean. That was my favourite moment, just feeling the breeze of the ocean, like angel’s wings do, my little buddy up in the tree looking at me with those big, honest eyes. In that moment I knew for real that this was my retirement from the world and my welcome to freedom.
I lived all my life being worried for my job, for what my bosses think about me, thinking who could I kick to get what I wanted, I was sick of it all.I was tired of being the the bad one, the bitch that everybody hated just because I wanted to be the best.
That’s why I had chosen to run away, who would even miss me? In one week someone will come to pick up the rent money and will find my body on the bed covered in my own blood or perhaps sleeping pills . I was not sure yet, the only thing I was sure of was that my end would be a romantic one, because under the stone mask that I used to wear, there was the woman, a person, the one that cries and feels lonely.
My end should be the perfect one, should be like all the things I used to do in life.It would be perfect, but nothing is perfect, at least not for me, I just needed a complete end without witnesses.
After four hours freezing outside just thinking I went back inside the house, made a cup of tea, smoked a cigarette and then tried to make myself comfortable in a cold bed. I could sleep only a few hours at a time.
I had a recurring dream that night and the owl was part of it. I was walking by a big blue river and every place I turned the owl was looking at me with those big eyes penetrating my soul. It was not a bad dream but I wanted to know why I dreamed with eyes all my life? Was it someone following me? In my mind the idea that someone could be watching every move I made was really disturbing .
For me, the point of life was to show that what I was doing was the right thing, that I was unique in anything I chose to be, that I was the winner no matter what the others said.
The next day I woke up early. I did not have anything to do which was so different from my old days in the city, always busy: no time for my family or my friends or even for my own life.
I decided to take a walk on the beach. It was totally deserted, just for me. The sky was blue, the crystal-clear water was so tempting as the sun was burning my skin. Shall I live this experience like a real holiday,or is this an opportunity to open my eyes to my reality, to realize that not everything in my life is terrible.
The beach, the house and these moments maybe all that was what I wanted or all I needed to change my life, a life of gray buildings,buildings that could make anyone blind, buildings that do not let you see the sky, a sky with storms. Or should I take it as an excuse to run away again from the world, the phony world that took from me so much and gave me so little?
“Who cares!,” I said. I ran into the salty water, I felt how some wounds on my skin were aching me just as much as the ones I had inside in my soul and heart, but no matter what, I was enjoying the moment like I never had before in my life. How can a person like me enjoy that moment without all the things I thought I need. I left the ones I used to think were the best of my life. I didn’t need the money, didn’t need expensive restaurants or luxurious cars. Just the sea, sun and the most amazing breeze.
I found myself enjoying that moment when I realized someone was looking at me.
I did not notice that there was someone living in the next house. I couldn’t imagine there was another house, how could that be possible? I was so consumed by my own problems that I didn't notice a house next to mine. My landlord had lied to me! How dare he do that, I should sue him. Oh no... not this again... The city life and city attitude are coming back to me to help me fight, survive, and cause damage. I am trying to run away from myself but all of this is coming back.
Always me, the professional, the one that can take care of the situation, always coming back to the old me, the one that I don’t didn’t like, the one I wanted to end.
