Friday, January 1, 2010

One week in Honduras - Chapter four

I woke up early and went straight to the kitchen. A coffee, I really needed to drink a black coffee. While I was drinking I looked out of the window. He was there on the beach, sitting on the sand and looking out to the ocean.
I went out of the house and walked to him, he saw me coming and turned again to contemplate the sea.
– Look. I am sorry for the way I talked to you.
He did not say anything
– I'm not good at apologizing, if you want, you can take it, if not, sorry again.
I was so ashamed and angry at the same time, but I kept that for myself and continued talking to him.
– I am really sorry, I said again, with a broken voice
– It’s OK… Do you feel better now?
– Better?
– Yeah, better after walking back all that way?
– Yes. I needed that.
– I appreciate you came to apologize. That takes a lot. That’s brave. You didn’t have to, I created that situation, I'm sure you had time to think about it.
He continued saying to me many things that were so true, the real truth about myself, and I didn’t care how he knew all that about me. I sat next to him and heard him. I looked at his eyes while he was talking, he didn’t see me for a minute, just talked and talked looking direct to the ocean.

I started to understand that was my destiny. Maybe he was my destiny. He was right about it all. He knew me really well, but How? I couldn't know.

I came closer and tried to kiss him.
– No this is not our moment, he said. You need more time.
– I don’t want more time, I don’t have more time, I just have a week
– Time is clever Adele, time teaches us , and believe it or not, you have enough time.

We talked all day, sitting on the sand, I heard him and he heard me, but we never crossed our sights . Apparently, we had a lot in common but I was not sure who that man was. He was mysterious. He talked about the world, about his feelings, about what real people must do with their equals but he never said a word about himself.

–It’s getting cold I should go back to the house. Do you want to come and have a drink?, I said. I was really enjoying his company and I didn’t want it to end
– No thanks. Tomorrow is a long day as I have to pack. It’s my last day here.
– Last day? I thought you were going to stay longer
– No, I go back home tomorrow.

I couldn’t say anything to him. He was leaving and I couldn’t say a word. Inside, I was crying. I wanted that man next to me. How could I say to him that I needed him to be able to stay alive. How could I say to him that I was appreciating life again?

– Good night Adele.
He walked to his house, he left me there in the sand, all alone again.
I wanted to shout and say that I needed him….but I didn’t. I just stood up and left.

I couldn’t sleep all night, I was walking all around the house, thinking what to do. I was very anxious, depressed, sad, every bad feeling that could exist on earth I was feeling it. The night was always the worst moment of the day, I used to return home after work to an empty house, no one was waiting for me, I didn’t even have a pet. Any creature could remind me of the meaning of life. I was alone in a big house. I didn’t want to go back home. I didn't want to have more lonely nights.

I sat on the kitchen floor and cry. It was the most profound and longest cry I ever had, I was starting to appreciate what life could bring me but I couldn't have. I sat on my sofa and fell asleep. I woke up with the door knocking
– Hello. I just came to say good bye, Adele.
– Are you leaving already?
– Yes. It was a nice experience these last few days talking with you.
– Yeah. Sure, Jack, you too. Good bye.I was destroyed inside, I just said good bye and went back into the house .I wanted to shout , I wanted to tell him don’t go, stay with me . Something was telling me to go, open the door, walk up to say what I really wanted So I did. He was there behind the door like if he knew what I wanted to do and say, then he knew my external shell was broken and the real me was in front of him. So he kissed me .
He didn’t leave that day. We stayed in the house and made love.

Was the best day in my bored and depressing life, I forgot the idea of suicide, I felt the most positive person on Earth, the most happy, the most lucky .

That was a perfect Friday, we just embraced each other, sleeping and then making love again over and over.

Saturday morning I woke up with a smile on my face, I had a reason to live again, not for him, just for me. I felt alive again, I felt loved. I felt important; but he wasn’t there. I called him hundred of times then I got dressed to look for him in the house but didn’t find him. He was gone.

No comments:

Post a Comment