– It’s not possible he left…
What could I think? He left and didn’t say a word. I didn’t try to look outside the house or even go to his place. I was so sure he had left.
I was trying to figure out what could have happened to him. Why did he leave me? What made him go away and not say anything? Maybe he was afraid of my reaction? Maybe he wanted to remember me just as I was the night before, no words, no worries.
Maybe he would stay if I had told him what I wanted?. Why I wanted to end with my life, but that wouldn’t be fair for him. I walked to the Bathroom to refresh myself and try to think clearly, when I saw the bottle of sleeping pills I bought in case that was the chosen way. There was no reason to continue with this, I came to do something, What else could I do here now?
I stayed there looking at my own face in the mirror. I was there for over an hour and I was scared, I went out to the beach, to think and to walk, to feel the breeze for the last time. I started to think that my life revolved around other people, about what others wanted from me. Why had
I decided to go to that place to kill myself? Why had I forgot that idea for a time? And why had that idea come to my mind again?
It is not possible, I won’t let this idea kill my mind and my body, I won’t die for anyone. I will live for me and to show that I'm not the person everybody thinks. I'm stronger, and I will stand up for myself.
I spent the whole day on the beach and decided the best thing to do was to go home again. Back to the city, to my work and to try to change things and have a life, a happy life with someone that would want to share it with me. The best best thing would be to travel the next morning. My original plan was to stay for a week, and I will.
It was easy to sleep that nigh. My thoughts were clear. I had lots of dreams about my life, about my week in that place and about him. I couldn’t understand yet, but it wasn't worth it to think about him. He was far away and I was going back home.
Sunday morning and I packed calmly, as if I wasn’t going back home.
I left the house and closed the door, but before I left, I went to his house. Maybe deep inside me was a hope to see him there, but he wasn’t. It was just dust and shadows.Before I drove to the airport I passed that village he took me to some days before. Everybody remembered me and said goodbye and wished me well. I took my time in the village, leaving some stuff for the kids, hoping to see him there. But nothing.
I took my bags and drove to the airport. I sat down in the waiting room, thinking about my last days with him and how alive he made me feel and how those kisses and feelings could change my way of seeing everything.
– Is this seat taken?
Someone said. I recognised that voice.
Yes, it was him. He sat next to me and held my hand and said:
– I knew you were not going to do it.
– Do what?
– Put a full stop in the story of your life. I knew you could find your answers here, and stop those ideas, not for someone else, just for you.
– And how did you know that?
– I knew that if you could be strong enough not to kill yourself was because you learned that you didn’t need anyone to be happy. The happiness you were looking for was not in being with someone or finding a quiet place or even to feel useful to other people, your happiness is within yourself ,and you are here, ready to go back, maybe to live the same life you used to live or maybe to change everything, that’s in your hands. You can take what you learn here and use it, or you can just go back and go back to the same old life.
– The truth is that I don’t want to go back, I want to stay here and give a real meaning to my life.
– Well, that’s something you can do, Adele. It's your choice. You can do whatever you want with your life but you can't ignore the fact that it is your life and no one can say a word about it.
– And what are you doing here?
I needed to ask him that, I needed to know the reason why that man had shown up at this moment. The man that in so short a time had taught me so many things.
– Maybe I'm trying to find an answer too, and it’s not easy for me to find it. I think that answer is in you.
– In me? Why me? I'm afraid I don’t have any answers for you, Jack.
– I'm sure you have it, that’s why I'm here with you. Now it’s my turn to learn from you.
Has been a couple of months since my trip to Honduras and now I am here in my old city , in a new house and a new job, my life changed a lot since I came back from that trip, I'm a better person and I feel happy to wake up everyday, I don’t go to sleep feeling a bitter taste in my mouth.
I still can't understand what happened with me that week. It was such an experience, I still continue waking up in the middle of the night looking forward to seeing that smile, and the only thing I do in that moment is drink a glass of water and get back into bed... next to Jack.
We live together since the day we came back from Honduras, and every time we decide to go on a trip, we go back to that village. Our village, the one that put us together and gave our questions an answer. Because the people in that village give and never wait for something in exchange.