Sunday, January 31, 2010

One Week in Honduras- Chapter Five

– It’s not possible he left…

What could I think? He left and didn’t say a word. I didn’t try to look outside the house or even go to his place. I was so sure he had left.
I was trying to figure out what could have happened to him. Why did he leave me? What made him go away and not say anything? Maybe
he was afraid of my reaction? Maybe he wanted to remember me just as I was the night before, no words, no worries.
Maybe he would stay if I had told him what I wanted?. Why I wanted to end with my life, but that wouldn’t be fair for him. I walked to the Bathroom to refresh myself and try to think clearly, when I saw the bottle of sleeping pills I bought in case that was the chosen way. There was no reason to continue with this, I came to do something, What else could I do here now?

I stayed there looking at my own face in the mirror. I was there for over an hour and I was scared, I went out to the beach, to think and to walk, to feel the breeze for the last time. I started to think that my life revolved around other people, about what others wanted from me. Why had

I decided to go to that place to kill myself? Why had I forgot that idea for a time? And why had that idea come to my mind again?
It is not possible, I won’t let this idea kill my mind and my body, I won’t die for anyone. I will live for me and to show that I'm not the person everybody thinks. I'm stronger, a
nd I will stand up for myself.

I spent the whole day on the beach and decided the best thing to do was to go home again. Back to the city, to my work and to try to change things and have a life, a happy li
fe with someone that would want to share it with me. The best best thing would be to travel the next morning. My original plan was to stay for a week, and I will.

It was easy to sleep that nigh. My thoughts were clear. I had lots of dreams about my life, about my week in that place and about him. I couldn’t understand yet, but it wasn't worth it to think about him. He was far away and I was going back home.

Sunday morning and I packed calmly, as if I wasn’t going back home.
I left the house and closed the door, but before I left, I went to his house. Maybe deep inside me was a hope to see him there, but he wasn’t. It was just dust and shadows.Before I drove to the airport I passed that village he took me to some days before. Everybody remembered me and said goodbye and wished me well. I took my time in the village, leaving some stuff for the kids, hoping to see him there. But nothing.

I took my bags and drove to the airport. I sat down in the waiting room, thinking about my last days with him and how alive he made me feel and how those kisses and feelings could change my way of seeing everything.

– Is this seat taken?
Someone said. I recognised that voice.
– Jack!
Yes, it was him. He sat next to me and held my hand and said:
– I knew you were not going to do it.
– Do what?
– Put a full stop in the story of your life. I knew you could find your answers here, and stop those ideas, not for someone else, just for you.
– And how did you know that?
– I knew that if you could be strong enough not to kill yourself was because you learned that you didn’t need anyone to be happy. The happiness you were looking for was not in being with someone or finding a quiet place or even to feel useful to other people, your happiness is within yourself ,and you are here, ready to go back, maybe to live the same life you used to live or maybe to change everything, that’s in your hands. You can take what you learn here and use it, or you can just go back and go back to the same old life.
– The truth is that I don’t want to go back, I want to stay here and give a real meaning to my life.
– Well, that’s something you can do, Adele. It's your choice. You can do whatever you want with your life but you can't ignore the fact that it is your life and no one can say a word about it.
– And what are you doing here?
I needed to ask him that, I needed to know the reason why that man had shown up at this moment. The man that in so short a time had taught me so many things.
– Maybe I'm trying to find an answer too, and it’s not easy for me to find it. I think that answer is in you.
– In me? Why me? I'm afraid I don’t have any answers for you, Jack.
– I'm sure you have it, that’s why I'm here with you. Now it’s my turn to learn from you.

Has been a couple of months since my trip to Honduras and now I am here in my old city , in a new house and a new job, my life changed a lot since I came back from that trip, I'm a better person and I feel happy to wake up everyday, I don’t go to sleep feeling a bitter taste in my mouth.
I still can't understand what happened with me that week. It was such an experience, I still continue waking up in the middle of the night looking forward to seeing that smile, and the only thing I do in that moment is drink a glass of water and get back into bed... next to Jack.

We live together since the day we came back from Honduras, and every time we decide to go on a trip, we go back to that village. Our village, the one that put us together and gave our questions an answer. Because the people in that village give and never wait for something in exchange.

The End

Friday, January 1, 2010

One week in Honduras - Chapter four

I woke up early and went straight to the kitchen. A coffee, I really needed to drink a black coffee. While I was drinking I looked out of the window. He was there on the beach, sitting on the sand and looking out to the ocean.
I went out of the house and walked to him, he saw me coming and turned again to contemplate the sea.
– Look. I am sorry for the way I talked to you.
He did not say anything
– I'm not good at apologizing, if you want, you can take it, if not, sorry again.
I was so ashamed and angry at the same time, but I kept that for myself and continued talking to him.
– I am really sorry, I said again, with a broken voice
– It’s OK… Do you feel better now?
– Better?
– Yeah, better after walking back all that way?
– Yes. I needed that.
– I appreciate you came to apologize. That takes a lot. That’s brave. You didn’t have to, I created that situation, I'm sure you had time to think about it.
He continued saying to me many things that were so true, the real truth about myself, and I didn’t care how he knew all that about me. I sat next to him and heard him. I looked at his eyes while he was talking, he didn’t see me for a minute, just talked and talked looking direct to the ocean.

I started to understand that was my destiny. Maybe he was my destiny. He was right about it all. He knew me really well, but How? I couldn't know.

I came closer and tried to kiss him.
– No this is not our moment, he said. You need more time.
– I don’t want more time, I don’t have more time, I just have a week
– Time is clever Adele, time teaches us , and believe it or not, you have enough time.

We talked all day, sitting on the sand, I heard him and he heard me, but we never crossed our sights . Apparently, we had a lot in common but I was not sure who that man was. He was mysterious. He talked about the world, about his feelings, about what real people must do with their equals but he never said a word about himself.

–It’s getting cold I should go back to the house. Do you want to come and have a drink?, I said. I was really enjoying his company and I didn’t want it to end
– No thanks. Tomorrow is a long day as I have to pack. It’s my last day here.
– Last day? I thought you were going to stay longer
– No, I go back home tomorrow.

I couldn’t say anything to him. He was leaving and I couldn’t say a word. Inside, I was crying. I wanted that man next to me. How could I say to him that I needed him to be able to stay alive. How could I say to him that I was appreciating life again?

– Good night Adele.
He walked to his house, he left me there in the sand, all alone again.
I wanted to shout and say that I needed him….but I didn’t. I just stood up and left.

I couldn’t sleep all night, I was walking all around the house, thinking what to do. I was very anxious, depressed, sad, every bad feeling that could exist on earth I was feeling it. The night was always the worst moment of the day, I used to return home after work to an empty house, no one was waiting for me, I didn’t even have a pet. Any creature could remind me of the meaning of life. I was alone in a big house. I didn’t want to go back home. I didn't want to have more lonely nights.

I sat on the kitchen floor and cry. It was the most profound and longest cry I ever had, I was starting to appreciate what life could bring me but I couldn't have. I sat on my sofa and fell asleep. I woke up with the door knocking
– Hello. I just came to say good bye, Adele.
– Are you leaving already?
– Yes. It was a nice experience these last few days talking with you.
– Yeah. Sure, Jack, you too. Good bye.I was destroyed inside, I just said good bye and went back into the house .I wanted to shout , I wanted to tell him don’t go, stay with me . Something was telling me to go, open the door, walk up to say what I really wanted So I did. He was there behind the door like if he knew what I wanted to do and say, then he knew my external shell was broken and the real me was in front of him. So he kissed me .
He didn’t leave that day. We stayed in the house and made love.

Was the best day in my bored and depressing life, I forgot the idea of suicide, I felt the most positive person on Earth, the most happy, the most lucky .

That was a perfect Friday, we just embraced each other, sleeping and then making love again over and over.

Saturday morning I woke up with a smile on my face, I had a reason to live again, not for him, just for me. I felt alive again, I felt loved. I felt important; but he wasn’t there. I called him hundred of times then I got dressed to look for him in the house but didn’t find him. He was gone.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

One week in Honduras - Chapter three

The next day I woke up and I had such a strange feeling. I was feeling good and smiling. I was stretching myself when I noticed he was there, standing at the front of my bed.
What the hell was doing here? How could he enter the house and go to my bedroom?.

– ''Good morning! We have a lot to do'', he said with a big smile.
– ''A lot to do? What are you doing here?'', I asked him.
–'' I came to help you''.
Wait a minute .
- ''Help me what?'', I asked
- ''To change your life'', He said.
My life? What could he know about my life? That was too much. He was invading my space and my privacy. I couldn’t do anything about it and I was curious so I got dressed and went with him.

He drove for about 30 minutes.
– ''Where are we going?''
He didn’t say a word, he just smiled, no one could have that smile, nothing could compare to a smile like that, not even the sunset.
We arrived to a beautiful place, like a hidden paradise. Some people came to welcome us.

- El doctor llegò¡, El doctor llegò¡.
A little girl was shouting. The doctor is here she said. Doctor? Is he a doctor?

– ''This is my home and this is my family'', he said to me, smiling. I couldn’t believe these people were his family, of course he was saying that just because he had
a special feeling for them. I was trying to smile and not show my nerves, everyone was smiling and touching me, as if I was a new toy for a child.
– ''Can I know what are we doing here? What I am doing here?'', I asked impatient.
– ''I don’t know, Why did you come with me?'', he asked.
– ''Because you brought me here, you were in my bedroom and told me to come'', I answered immediately.
–''OK then, you came because you wanted to please me''.
This man is crazy; he was reading my mind or was he playing with it?
– ''I have to go back to my house''.
– ''Help me here, please'', he said looking straight to my eyes and holding my hand.
Those eyes were like windows , I could see he needed me there, and that I needed to please him
We stayed all the day, playing with the kids,helping to cook, curing their illnesses.
I never did any of this in my life. I did not serve anyone or help. I was the one to be served, but ironically I was feeling good, useful and thankful to that man for appearing in my bedroom that morning and for bringing me here.

He gave me a cup of coffee and said:
– Do you know why I am here?'', he asked.
– ''I have no idea'', ''help people!''.
I never liked guessing games and I was impatient, but I couldn’t resist my curiosity about this man.
–''I am here because I feel alive''.
I was speechless, that man, standing in front of me, told me something that I did not want to hear.-“Is this the only place where he feels alive?'', I though.
I went to that place to do the opposite, I wanted to end any kind of hope or expectation, I did not want someone telling me that. The last thing I needed was a positive thinker.-''I feel the way you are feeling now'', he said without looking at me.How could he know how I was feeling?. He didn't know anything.I was there to do things at my way, I started feeling uncomfortable, because the situation and because his words.
- ''I have to go'', I said and then started running very fast, he called my name but I did not pay attention , I was just following the car tracks. I was exhausted, I sat down in the sand and after some minutes the sound of a car engine brought my senses together and my breath back.
– ''You can’t keep running away, you have to face your fears'', he said.
– ''You don’t have any idea what my fears are, you don’t have a clue how my life is and who I am, so please step back and leave me alone'', I said with a very bad attitude.
He said nothing more and drove away.

Finally! I was alone, I started walking again and as much as I wanted to see the car coming back and Jack rescuing me, looking and smiling with that smile that paints his face, , he didn’t come for me.

I arrived at home at night: tired, dirty and feeling so bad and guilty, not for the effort that I made, but because I felt I had just wasted the last hope to recover my life , destroyed by my own critical way to be.
I was devastated, he did not deserve the way I talked to him. He was just being nice.
He was just trying to help me, but how could he help me if he didn’t know what was happening with me?

I went to bed after taking a shower, lying there looking at the ceiling, hearing the singing of the owl outside, some tears running down my face. I was not sure why I was crying. I held my pillow so hard, trying to squeeze out all of the pain and anger I was feeling.
During the night I opened my eyes waiting for him to be there again at the bottom of my bed, but he wasn't there.

Monday, November 23, 2009

An answered prayer

I asked for strength,
And God gave me difficulties to make me strong;
I asked for wisdom,
And God gave me problems to learn to solve;
I asked for prosperity,
And God gave me brain and strength to work;
I asked for courage,
And God gave me dangers to overcome;
I asked for love,
And God gave me people to help;
I asked for favours,
And God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted
I received everything I needed.
My prayer has been answered!

I want to thank my lovely friend Igor for share this poem with me.
It's so beautiful because is so true.

Let' s stop asking for things we want and ask for things we need.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

One week in Honduras - Chapter two

Who is that person in the other house? This can't be possible, I'm half naked and someone is looking at me. I used to be a very secure woman , but in my personal life it was different. I used to feel like a five year-old girl lost on enormous busy street. I couldn’t share my life with anyone, it was just mine. Now that the years have passed by I understand that I was not the master managing a puppet. I was the puppet.

I was really blind. My friends even tried to let me know I could not see it, or maybe they were more blind than me?

I returned to the house and closed the door as if a monster was following me, but…who was that monster? Maybe another person trying to enter into my territory, should I take control of the situation and act like the bitch I used to be? ,But I was not in that world, I was in another place, and the real me was coming out its shell, the one who could relax and simply be.

I looked out of the window next to the door and there was a man with his bare chest covered by his own shadow. He was drinking something which I guessed was coffee because of the way he tasted the liquid and the position of his lips. I felt really attracted to him. I noticed that in the moment I start analyzing him

He lifted his face and looked at me, straight into my eyes as if he could feel me, him feeling as if I was there spying him. I felt like a hunter chasing his next victim. I covered myself with the shutters trying to make that moment not so uncomfortable for me, but my curiosity was stronger than my prudence. I took another look but he was gone. Where was he? Did he notice that I was looking at him? It doesn’t matter, he probably was there just spending his holidays like me. Me? Well I was there for my own reasons and I was not going to let anyone ruin my plans.

Someone knocked at the door. Why? Who?, No one must come here, not until my finale, no way I'm not going to open up, but why am I walking to the door?. I open the door and it’s the coffee-drinking man.He was tall with deep-looking blue eyes. He sported three or four days of beard growth, and half a smile. He looked at me and said.
- Jack.
- Sorry?, I said
– My name is Jack. Nice to meet you.
– Oh. Nice to meet you. I am Adele.
– Nice place here, isn't it?
– Yeah, sure, it’s a nice place.
– Well, I just wanted to say “Hi”,” and know who was living next to me as we are the only ones on the beach – I have to go now, lets talk another time, all right?.
– OK.

I closed the door and said it to myself. “Stupid me,” I didn’t know how to react, it was a shock for me seeing him here, at my door, saying “Nice to meet you,” I wasn't there to socialise, I was here to... Why was I here. Oh yes, I was there to end my life, to forget it all.
He went out and I stood still at the door, looking at him, looking at him walk away.
I closed the door and went to take a shower.

– I should go and buy something, I can't stay here, I need a drink, yes; I need to drink all night long.

I drove for 10 minutes the car that I rented in the airport , everything was really far and I blamed my choice to take a house so far from everything. I bought three cans of soda, my regular cigarettes, and a bottle of Giffity, the local alcoholic beverage, a mix of herbs and spices, a total Knock-You-Out.

I couldn’t believe it, I was shopping. I was thinking what else should I buy? when suddenly he appeared again
– Oh.Hello again.

It was him¡
– Hello.I said.
– Shopping eh?
- Yes shopping.
- Oh good , me too '' He said while drinking some kind of strange blue beverage''.

After a 5 second pause that seemed to me to be an hour long he told me;
–Well, see you.

What a terrible conversation!

Then he turned around and said:
– Look, I'm going to have a dinner party tonight.Well, it’s just me, but I would like to know if you wanted to join me?. What do you say?
– I am not sure; I guess, I don’t know.
– Oh OK, if you are busy then…

What am I doing, of course I want, but how can I say it?
– Hey! Sure, I would love to.

I said this quickly before he could change his mind.
– Great! Come around at six.
– Six then .I said while he left the supermarket.

While I drive back to the house I can't stop thinking about this man, I can't stop analyzing everything. Why he wants to have dinner with me? why did I say yes? Oh I know why I said yes, I am definitely attracted to him but I don't want to have anything to do with him or anyone. I came to this place to end my life

No, I can't do it, what's happening with me? Do I want to go? No. I don’t want to.I'm confused. What is the matter with me? It’s just a dinner and I'm making such a big deal out of it. I have to stop reacting like this, I just won’t go.

I'm having such a difficult time trying to be me. Who am I now? I'm not a teenager any more. Why am I reacting in this way? Should I go? Is it “yes,” or “no”? But why am I looking at the clock?

I'm definitely not going.
Why not? After a struggle with myself for almost an hour I got dressed, not as I used to do for my horrible work dinners, In that moment I was not sure of anything, I was confused but I wanted to go, to know more about him. Right now I felt like I wanted his company, his calming voice and his deep eyes. How could I solve this problem with myself? No one woke up in me such a dilemma, it’s just a man. I used to be surrounded by men and I never had this kind of problem with myself.

I arrived at 6:15. He was not surprised to see me as he really was expecting me to go. I can't lie, it was a great night, we talked and talked, he made me laugh, he wasn’t the kind of man I usually dated, even if it wasn’t a date, just a get-together with someone as lonely as me.. But he was an interesting person, intelligent with a good sense of humour.
It was something. He had something mysterious , he showed knowledge of everything but never revealed a clue about who he was or what he wanted in life. I didn’t ask either. I didn’t feel bored for a minute, the time passed so quickly.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

An ants poem

How small a life has to be,
How little and how disguised by nature;
Smaller but meaningful like a pea,
That finally made me capture;
The idea, the truth, my life, I agree.
A drop of dust I abjure.

This is the story, this is the beat,
I tell you secretly for your regard,
Think for a moment, it's just a treat,
Even if you see me eating your chard,
Ask everybody. Believe! I never cheat,
All this is real, I am the Bard.

Carrying grub on my back,
Serving , working hard;
Intruding but persevering, I never retract,
Sometimes I have to keep guard;
I walk all day long, I follow my track,
Along the floor continuing to the yard.

I lost family in so many ways,
Burned, drowned, even stepped on;
I used to think it was a phase,
Until we carried the bodies through the lawn;
Many more were defeated by the maze,
The lucky ones thought they had won.

My world, my queen,
Not too much as some say;
It is all I have, all I am, that is what I mean,
Sometimes we are warriors, sometimes we are prey,
We are proud, we are keen,
We are all as one, keep away.

Have you ever heard an ant scream?
I did, no one seems to listen
We always work as a team,
As a colony, we try to glisten;
Some days are hard crossing the stream
Careful, you could be the one to be bitten.

To me the end has come,
No thoughts, no words, no more trouble,
You protect your home,
We will hide in the stubble,
Goodbye, I'm going where I came from,
Stay here and contemplate the rubble.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

One Week in Honduras- Chapter One

It was a quiet evening when I arrived in Honduras. I rented a house on the beach and could not wait for the next day so I could become the master of my empire. Anyway that was my last week living the life I thought was the best way to live it, but I was not prepared to find the real meaning of that life.

The very first time I felt that smell. It was a mix between sadness and joy. I could not tell it exactly.

The house was empty, but full of memories. As the landlord told me, many people started and finished their lives there, but I was not so curious to ask about all the history of that place, I just wanted to be far away from everything: no neighbours, no traffic-lights, no shops nothing that could change my mind about what I had decided to do.
Two bags and a friendly owl were joining me every night since the day I arrived at the house. They were my only companions.

I did not sleep the first night.
I sat on an old chair and just looked to the reflex of the stars on the ocean. That was my favourite moment, just feeling the breeze of the ocean, like angel’s wings do, my little buddy up in the tree looking at me with those big, honest eyes. In that moment I knew for real that this was my retirement from the world and my welcome to freedom.

I lived all my life being worried for my job, for what my bosses think about me, thinking who could I kick to get what I wanted, I was sick of it all.I was tired of being the the bad one, the bitch that everybody hated just because I wanted to be the best.

That’s why I had chosen to run away, who would even miss me? In one week someone will come to pick up the rent money and will find my body on the bed covered in my own blood or perhaps sleeping pills . I was not sure yet, the only thing I was sure of was that my end would be a romantic one, because under the stone mask that I used to wear, there was the woman, a person, the one that cries and feels lonely.

My end should be the perfect one, should be like all the things I used to do in life.It would be perfect, but nothing is perfect, at least not for me, I just needed a complete end without witnesses.

After four hours freezing outside just thinking I went back inside the house, made a cup of tea, smoked a cigarette and then tried to make myself comfortable in a cold bed. I could sleep only a few hours at a time.

I had a recurring dream that night and the owl was part of it. I was walking by a big blue river and every place I turned the owl was looking at me with those big eyes penetrating my soul. It was not a bad dream but I wanted to know why I dreamed with eyes all my life? Was it someone following me? In my mind the idea that someone could be watching every move I made was really disturbing .

For me, the point of life was to show that what I was doing was the right thing, that I was unique in anything I chose to be, that I was the winner no matter what the others said.

The next day I woke up early. I did not have anything to do which was so different from my old days in the city, always busy: no time for my family or my friends or even for my own life.

I decided to take a walk on the beach. It was totally deserted, just for me. The sky was blue, the crystal-clear water was so tempting as the sun was burning my skin. Shall I live this experience like a real holiday,or is this an opportunity to open my eyes to my reality, to realize that not everything in my life is terrible.

The beach, the house and these moments maybe all that was what I wanted or all I needed to change my life, a life of gray buildings,buildings that could make anyone blind, buildings that do not let you see the sky, a sky with storms. Or should I take it as an excuse to run away again from the world, the phony world that took from me so much and gave me so little?

“Who cares!,” I said. I ran into the salty water, I felt how some wounds on my skin were aching me just as much as the ones I had inside in my soul and heart, but no matter what, I was enjoying the moment like I never had before in my life. How can a person like me enjoy that moment without all the things I thought I need. I left the ones I used to think were the best of my life. I didn’t need the money, didn’t need expensive restaurants or luxurious cars. Just the sea, sun and the most amazing breeze.

I found myself enjoying that moment when I realized someone was looking at me.
I did not notice that there was someone living in the next house. I couldn’t imagine there was another house, how could that be possible? I was so consumed by my own problems that I didn't notice a house next to mine. My landlord had lied to me! How dare he do that, I should sue him. Oh no... not this again... The city life and city attitude are coming back to me to help me fight, survive, and cause damage. I am trying to run away from myself but all of this is coming back.
Always me, the professional, the one that can take care of the situation, always coming back to the old me, the one that I don’t didn’t like, the one I wanted to end.